The Ricky Mokel Comedy Show is January 30, 2010. It’s at the Alabama Theatre in North Myrtle Beach as always. This is the sixth year, I think, that I’ve had one. Half of them sold out. The other half were almost sold out.

The reason they are so popular is that I always kill and eat an exotic animal on stage. Not really, but this is my blog and I write whatever I want to without President Obama’s permission–so far.

This year, speaking of animals, I have a dog and I’ve been training him. I’d like to have him in the show because I don’t have to pay him. Also, he’s cute. Dudley is a Teacup German Shepherd. A rare breed. They are tough, very very smart, and can leap high in the air.

The training has been slow. The workbooks are thick and Dudley has a hard time turning the pages. And he gets distracted by anything that he can chase.

See, they bred these Teacups to be ratters. They love to hunt and kill rats, foxes, or anything like a rat or a fox–even fat flies. Last night Dudley killed a fly. It was in the house all day and driving us both crazy. Dudley stalked it for a half hour, following it’s flight path around the room with his snout. He missed many times but stuck with it. Finally, when the fly swooped low like an idiot, Dudley captured it in his mouth with a quick snap. He mushed it with his tongue inside his mouth, then spit it out and sniffed it on the carpet. It was dead.

Dudley weighs 12 pounds and has so far killed nothing bigger than a fly. But he’d like to.

He’s very funny, too. I hope to train him to do some tricks on stage. I’m not sure what, though.

If you have any ideas, please write them down for me. I’d like to have him do something really cool and different–something no one has seen dogs do before.

I picked up Dudley from the Raleigh airport last February. He was shipped from his birthplace in Iowa. He was lively and not afraid of the bushes outside of the airport. But just to be safe, he hosed them down right away to keep them from catching fire.

Since then we have become good friends. He doesn’t sleep with me. I thrash around and might kill him. So he sleeps in the bathroom with a nightlight and a toy chicken. He keeps me company. I return the favor by chasing him around the inside of the house and throwing his chicken. He chases it down and tries to get it to become an Amway distributor. He’s smart, but he’s not that smart.

Here’s the situation: the globe, or the Earth, or the planet, is going to be just fine. If the temperature is going up–and you can’t get agreement on that–the sun is doing it. The sun is a big fire. It flares up and down like little fires do. Meanwhile, we have gotten the idea that we are more important to the universe than we actually are. If we are humbled it will be when President Obama decides for us to be humbled. Until then, we can only go get Coke and Mountain Dews and chips between his speeches on TV.

The future would be better if the desks in classrooms were rearranged; take them out of these little groups like cocktail tables in comedy clubs and put them back into rows. The teacher is the thing. Kids are too distracted and unable to keep their minds on one thing as it is! I know from experience in comedy clubs that it is much harder to keep folk’s attention when they are not facing you. It is easier to entertain people when they are forced to look straight at you and not have to glance over their shoulders at you from time to time.

Cars: they need to get lighter in weight. They can be roomy as long as they get lighter. We like big cars. Fine But start taking all the crap out of them and make them out of lighter stuff. Let’s go back to roll up windows and seats without electric motors. If you want cars that can carry lots of people and stuff, but also get better mileage, simplify. SIMPLIFY is going to be the next big word.

On race: let’s get colorblind. Ever wondered what National Public Radio would sound like if somehow a beam shot out of everyone’s screens (TV, computer, laptop, navigation, camera…) and made everyone colorblind? NPR would have mostly dead air.

On government: get out of my face. Get out of my bedroom. Get out of my paycheck. Get out of my classroom. Get out of my business. Get out of my doctor’s office and operating room. Just back off!

On President Obama: please sit down at your desk and answer the phone when it rings. Get off TV now. I don’t know who’s on TV more, President Obama or the Geico Lizard. I’m tired of both of them.

I’m just glad we have President Obama as President right now. He’s just so good on TV. Can you imagine having a President right now who wasn’t good on TV? I mean, President Bush kept us safe but he wasn’t good on TV. What good is that? At least now if something happens President Obama can pretend that nothing happened.